Getting a bottle of water from the vending machine? ... How hard could it be? ...

It was three o'clock in the afternoon. All day long the bright fluorescent lights relentlessly beat down on all us hapless Cube Farmers. The deserted corridors funneled a stiff breeze from the ever-cycling AC and with it some loose papers from a nearby copy machine. The radiation emitted from the two twenty-one inch monitors facing me was intense as I stared with bloodshot eyes at what would be my twentieth consecutive Sudoku (my record was sixty-two in one day ... I could have done more that day, but it was five 0’clock and time to leave ... a Babylon 5 marathon was starting at six).

After breathing through my mouth (in intense concentration) for so long I was dried up. It was time for a soda break.

But wait ... in a fit of healthiness, maybe a bottle of water would be better especially after suffering through a lunch of extra-salty, cold french fries and a shoe-leather burger from the cafeteria. Even if it was more expensive that’s okay ... ‘cuz it’s good for you.

After a lonely walk to the vending room, I stood before the oh-so-refreshing picture of a Pepsi can and reached into my pocket and pulled out my last bill ... a twenty ... Damn. I look in the other pocket and pull out all my change ... $2.52 in various coinage ... Cool.

But wait ... a water is $1.10 (but it’s good for you) and a soda is $0.70. Not to mention the rules that I have learned over the years through many harsh lessons:

Rule #1: Any coin inserted after the total is over $0.70 will be rejected to the coin return bucket.

Rule #2: Only $1.00 bills are accepted.

In the one hand, a twenty, and in the other, coinage ... Damn.

It was time to seek assistance.

I walked back to the farm, looking for an occupied office. Ah ha! ... a fellow farmer. “Hey, Sherry? You got a dollar?” not forgetting to hold up my four quarters to show that I was trustworthy.

“Nope. I got a couple fives ... “

No help ... moving on.

“Chuck? Got a dollar I can exchange?” I said with my best trustworthy look ... and my quarters.

“Nope ... Sorry.”

And then a voice from behind spoke to me like a divine angel ... but deeper, “I got some dollar coins ... that should work.”

Dollar coins? The machine took dollar coins?

Rule #4 (I haven’t told you #3 yet so relax): The machine takes dollar coins.

“Hey cool ... thanks Walt,” I said stepping into my savior’s own piece of farming real-estate. “I guess this’ll work ... I just have to remember ...”

Rule #3 (see?): You must insert the dime before the dollar. (This is actually not a rule as much as it is the one solution to how, given Rules #1 and #2, you can insert $1.10 in the machine)

So ... back to the machine.

While making the trip I examine the gold coin with a Native America woman on one side ... Who was that? ... Pocahontas ... Sacagawea? I continue pondering this all important question as I dropped the golden dollar coin into the slot ...

Wait for it ...

Before I hear the coin hit bottom I realize my horrible, horrible blunder. Just to solidify the error firmly in my mind, I dropped the dime into the slot and “clink” ... straight to the coin return bucket ... I hit the coin return button ... “clunk”, “clunk”, “clunk”, “clunk” ... Quarters! ... Damn!

I trudge back. “Walt?” I said handing him the four quarters.

“You didn’t observe Rule #3,” he said wisely, shaking his head. I was ashamed.

He handed me another gold coin with an unspoken finality, and back I went. I put the dollar in my pocket and the dime in my hand and chanted “Dime first then dollar. Dime first then dollar. Dime first then dollar,” over and over down the long hallway until I arrived once again before the sweaty blue can.

“Dime first.” I inserted the dime. “Then dollar.” I inserted the dollar coin; I heard the “clunk” as it fell. Before I can get intensely disappointed, I see the display increment to $1.10.

With a heavy sigh of relief, I pushed the large bottled water button.

"Selection not available. Please select again.”

DAMN!!!!
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